I am not sure why it has been so difficult. I don’t understand why it feels like a drag. I simply want to dwell in Your presence, I just want to be with you. No one told me it would be this difficult, I was never warned. I was living an illusion, I was living as if we’d be ONE all my life. God, what went wrong? When did resting in Your love become so much work? What happened to the yoke being easy and the burden being light?
I feel like I’m training for a marathon just to get time for small talk with you. I mean I feel better than the other day but I feel as if I cannot attain the peace in you I had long ago. I would bask in Your glory at a whim. I would be filled with tears of love for You when in community. God I would feel that You were with me, I would feel that You loved me without restraint.
Have You left my side? Have you discarded me to the side because of my countless failures? I know I have messed up, even at times knowing that what I was doing was wrong. Did I stop? No… and i hurt all the while because I knew I was sacrificing so much for the desires of my flesh. Instead of bearing my cross and dying to my flesh everyday. I made You bear my cross and I fed my flesh as I crucified.You! Again and again.
But that can’t be…You cannot be separating Yourself from the broken-hearted. There’s no way I can believe You have forsaken the poor at heart, You are near to the broken-hearted. You give rest to those who seek You. Yes I have made mistakes, but I am expected to fail. Your word is not a law, it is guidance. Your love is not dependent on my love, my life is dependent on Your love.
It is because of my adoption into Your family that I shuold learn to live as Your word describes. I do not gain a single thing by working up to Your “ways”. It is because of the love that You have given me that I should IMITATE Your mannerism, Your desire for justice,peace and love. An IMITATION that is a by product of an understanding of WHO You are. An effort to reciprocate HOW You are, in the midst of my shortcomings. As a wonderful friend of mine spoke into my life and said, “If our works did not and cannot ‘save’ us then I doubt that our works [or lack thereof] can condemn us.” I am not saying to run rampant sinning because it has no affect, but in essence it is less of what we do and more about what happens to our hearts. So God I ask, I plead, I bring this request unto Your feet:
Please, help me be more like You. Help me love all, guide me in the process of imitation. A genuine imitation of You. Just as a child imitate His father, I wish to imitate my Abba. As scary as it may be, I give You my All God, because You have already given Your all.