There’s so much that I want to say right now, I do not know where to start. I guess I’ll just recap for a bit, just so that I can come back and write a few posts that stem out of this one.
So my fire has faded a bit, the burning fire is now a smoldering wick, but I must keep it alive. I must harness the secret that Israel had been revealed. I must remember. I must exhalt the name of the Lord. I must fear Him. . . that’s just it. I do not fear Him. But why? He is God, He is The LORD Almighty. I should be trembling at the thought of His existence. The very nature of His being should send shivers down my spine, not because I should be scared but because I should be in awe of His glory. I should fear Him as Israel did. I should be able to love Him yet respectfully abide in Him.
School is beginning to stress me although nothing has really started to pile up on me yet. I love it, but the work seems to be a bit much. I must keep my eyes set on the goal set before me though. I must run with the call that I feel I have been given. This preparation is as much a part of my calling as is my future involvement in ministry as God sees fit.
I have been given an opportunity to help revitalize a youth ministry at a coffee house run by a church that also doubles as a book store. I am excited because of how that opportunity arose, but my mind is deceiving me. I do not know if it is God’s doing that I am doubting my ability to run the ministry or if it is my own sinful being that is holding me back. I do not feel as if I am ready for a task at some points. I am struggling with the fact that I am human and make mistakes, and that I do not feel comfortable with the fact that I will let God down daily, sometimes more than others; and then stand in front of people I am leading and instruct them in the way of righteousness. It scares me, I feel gross just thinking of it. I do not feel comfortable with it. But I must understand that no one , NO ONE is perfect; the life I thought a Christian lived is not reality. Paul said I am the worst of sinners, BUT He led many people to Christ. He gave all he had, he sacrificed as Christ gave himself up for us. He was poured out like a drink offering… a man who could have boasted about his righteousness yet called himself the lowliest of sinners. But what then does that make me? How can I aspire to do anything if the man who could have said he was a righteous man did not? I guess that is the key then, I must push past my failures and humble my “righteousness” at the feet of Jesus. Although I may feel as if I am the worst of sinnes, the greatest of hypocrites I must remember the blood of Jesus, I must remember that my feelings are of no value when it comes to this, I must pray and declare the blood of Jesus and take up the place He has given me, He has given us all.
Pray for me friends, lift up my name in prayer whenever you remember me. Love God full heartedly, even if you don’t feel it. Do as you should, not as you feel.