As I said in my “Recap” I am going to go ahead and expound upon a few things that have been “lying heavy on my heart”.
One of those things is… honesty and transparency. I apologize to all who view my posts and think that I am strung on my emotions or stuck on my relationship with God; BUT I am being honest. I am being transparent. Time and time again as Christians, as sons and daughters of God we forsake the truth of our humanity. We feel and are told that we must feel our conviction/belief in God at all times, and that is something I refuse to do. I am struggling, we are all struggling. As John Piper so eloquently mentioned in a sermon, “It is IMPOSSIBLE not to doubt, for we do not have full knowledge of God’s will for everything.”
If there is anything to learn from the men who God has placed emphasis in the Bible on would be this: It is okay to be angry, sad, overwhelmed; it is even better to voice these feelings and others like them.
We are human. We have emotions. Sometimes (for others most of the time) those emotions seem unbearable. We will doubt, we will cry,our hearts will ache and our spirits will be trampled.
I am currently in a tough season of life, and am experiencing these feelings ten-fold and at all times. And I must respect that; part of this life is living in happiness and sorrow, in pain and in delight. It is amazing that although I know this, although I am intellectually at ease, my heart disagrees with as much force.
Lindsay McCaul says in her song Hold On To Me “I am like a field blowing in the wind trying to stand tall, when I can’t help but bend.” That is pretty much how I feel right now. I am not looking for attention, rather for an outlet. For a way to not only get things of my mind and off my chest but also for a way to help. If there is one thing that has given me even the smallest bit of strength is knowing that others have been where I am, and have found a way out; that there are people still in the same “tunnel” , but have not given up and continue for a way to the light.
So what does this season I am in consist of? What do much of my thoughts and feelings revolve around?
Doubt-I doubt myself, I doubt the existence of God, I doubt the so called power of love–all forms.
Anxiety- I ask but don’t receive, I know and am not answered, I seek and do not find.
So as a follower of Christ, what must I do? Pray… But I can’t. It feels weird. I feel awkward as if I were speaking to myself. Because of that I have decided to study prayer and speak to people about their prayer life. For as Philippians 4:6 explains, prayer is the solution. I see no other choice available than to learn, to grow even if I do not feel as if I am going anywhere; because quitting is something that I cannot do. I see I am in a tough season, I must hope that I will make through to Spring while in the dead of Winter.