Emotions may be the weirdest element to this life… I cannot seem to get a grasp on how something can take a hold of so much of you. I pray and seek You and am relieved for only a moment; at times I feel as David, “My soul could not be consoled“. The fact that emotions take the mind captive sadly seems unavoidable. But what must I do then? I have gone to You on my knees and humbled, I have shed countless tears over countless matters before You. Yet here I am once again, confused and torn between what I feel and think. I know suffering brings perfection but I am tired of being perfected… I know You do not give to us more than we can bear but I am being crushed by the weight of the load; please have less faith in what I am able to handle…I have been a wreck for years and have chosen to ignore and push it all away, denying I was broken; now I am unable to deny and hide. I became a master con, deceiving others with who I was, with a mask of strength and courage. Crying out for acceptance, I was overlooked and my pain left unseen; for even my cries of desperation where encoded. I love so much because I wish to be loved. I care so much because I want to be cared for. I give because I am not given to. I was a friend to all, I knew so much of so many yet I held it all back. I knew their very being, I knew them as well as they knew themselves yet they knew nothing of me and who I was.
I don’t know how to step out of that…I don’t know who to break the trend. I have built a wall I have myself this way to guard myself, yet I neglected to build a door to let people in… Help me God because I am out of strength. I am out of the ability to hold on. I have been there for others and have been a friend, but I have not allowed many to be my friend. I do not know how to ask for help, and to some I cannot for fear of being let down; for when I have tried I was disappointed.
Why I am going through this now of all times I do not know. I can only grab on and hold dearly to Your very being. I must push through and hold onto that which You have spoken over me, I must squeeze tighter the more my grip fatigues. Continue to teach me to be transparent, continue to teach me to rid myself of my past angry and bitter self. I guess from this I am learning to be the me that I was created to be and not a bitter angry me; for I am being humbled, I am being torn down, I am being crushed in spirit so that I do not hold an ounce of my old self another day of my life. If that is the case then I reluctantly and hesitantly embrace the journey you have set me on; knowing full and well that you do no leave wounds unattended, I will rest in Your faithfulness… Bring peace and strength on swift wings Lord, but let Your will be done.