My Anthem. My Heartcry. My Battlecry.

As an undergraduate I struggled to keep a 3.0. For some that would be a miracle, since they do not enjoy school and or have a difficult time with it. But for someone who aspires to be a professor and attend a top notch university, that is almost like academic suicide.
I made a few poor decisions and made a habit of pushing myself too hard with a ton of things on my plate. Massive amounts of stress, lack of sleep and sometimes a day or to without eating because I couldn’t spare the 3 hours a day one spends eating; which as you can imagine, led to emotional drain and panic/anxiety attacks almost weekly.

Many friends and professors had no idea what was going on only that I seemed different. I just wasn’t turning in assignments. I wasn’t spending time with friends. I am pretty sure I cried myself to sleep a couple times, for a degree I was not sure I even wanted anymore; even as I walked across the stage at graduation a new anxiety gripped me. An echo of a new fear resonated in the auditorium, it overpowered the cheers and mass celebrations of the crowds, and it trumped the sense of victory that finishing the race should have brought.

The same phrase reverberated not just within my head, it seemed to shake the very foundations of the auditorium.

Continue reading “My Anthem. My Heartcry. My Battlecry.”

Relief in You

Emotions may be the weirdest element to this life… I cannot seem to get a grasp on how something can take a hold of so much of you. I pray and seek You and am relieved for only a moment; at times I feel as David, “My soul  could not be consoled“. Continue reading “Relief in You”

Lover of My Soul

Oh Lord. Oh Lover of my soul,

How I long to know You. This fire I wish never fades. Peace rests upon me. Sweet and indulgent peace. I am moving in the right direction, I feel better. But my emotions will and can deceive me. I know I must not dwell n them for long, but why would You gift me-gift us-with such malevolent senses, why would we have feelings if not for use?  There must be purpose in them, it is part of Your likeness that I feel. It is what makes me a masterpiece as Your word declares.

I will learn not to depend on them but do not allow peace to forsake me. I acknowledge that pain and suffering exists; were it not for the pain and suffering You took upon Yourself I would not know You. But I request Oh Lord, as Your son, as Your beloved, that this all consuming fire for Your love and will not leave me. Though it may flicker and wane do not let it burn out once more. I have never been so sure of my love for knowledge of You. My heart jumped and the fire within me was ablaze studying of Your mysteries.

Though season pass, and though it rains on the just and the unjust alike, remember me. I will write and sing of You, for it is a secret I realized Your People [The Israelites] understood. I will remember  You all of my days. Feed the fire within me, let me not forsake the flame. As Jeremiah realized, I cannot keep my mouth shut either. I must speak of Your greatness.

But if I say, “I will not mention his word
or speak anymore in his name,”
his word is in my heart like a fire,
a fire shut up in my bones.
I am weary of holding it in;
indeed, I cannot. (Jeremiah 20:9 NIV)

Grant Your peace to those in need. Use me as You see fit. Let my heart break Lord for what breaks Yours. Let my heart grieve for what grieves Yours.  Let not a day go by that I do not desire what pleases You. Break me so that You can make me anew.

I love You!

Be With You

I am not sure why it has been so difficult. I don’t understand why it feels like a drag. I simply want to dwell in Your presence, I just want to be with you. No one told me it would be this difficult, I was never warned. I was living an illusion, I was living as if we’d be ONE all my life. God, what went wrong? When did resting in Your love become so much work? What happened to the yoke being easy and the burden being light? Continue reading “Be With You”